Well, this game made me cry. Literally. I've been trying to beat the game on Medium difficulty and I was doing well right up until I got to that canyon mission that thwarted me at around hour 3. I played it for about 2 hours, and I just felt this bone-deep exhaustion. Why does the ship I'm escorting keep flying into lasers? I try to clear out the tanks as quickly as possible, but if I stray too far ahead, out of cover, they hit me from all sides, shaking my ship, making it impossible to control, and costing me more time in the long run. If I play with anything less than perfect precision, my ward will die, or I will.
The thought of having to go back and play that level again fills me with dread. I suppose I could avoid it. Maybe try some of the earlier levels on Hard. Or maybe activate invincibility mode and just dick around for the next five hours.
All I have to do is get past my desire to do literally anything else. Prior to playing that damned canyon level, I felt a kind of bland indifference to the game. I was tempted by other, more rewarding activities (and, admittedly, succumbed to those temptations for a day or two), but continuing to play was in the back of my mind as something I would not be averse to when I finally mustered the will.
Now, those distractions are calling to me with a thunderous voice. Why not indulge in a strategy game, or a crafting game, or a writing project or binging a television show, instead of just punching a brick wall over and over again, until your hand is bloody and raw? You know, metaphorically speaking.
I guess it's a real challenge now. Before, I could reframe allowing myself to become distracted as a mere wandering interest. There are so many amazing entertainments available to me (as the past three years of the blog have proven) that it's only natural my head would be turned, especially when I already beat the game. Now, my pride is on the line. Tears were shed. If I give in now, I will be admitting the pain was stronger than my spirit.
Which is not something I object to generally. If we were talking about a broken heart, an injury, or a traumatic personal experience, I would say that the idea that one must be stronger than the pain is toxic. It is inappropriate and destructive to demand that people "prove themselves" by putting an abstract notion of strength above their personal happiness. But this is a video game. It is literally the least consequential problem imaginable. I'm not ashamed that I let it make me cry, but I'm not exactly going to let that be the final word, either.
I'm not yet sure what victory over the game will look like, whether it will come in the form of determinedly trying to beat the level that thwarted me, regardless of my personal frustration, or if it will be in finding ways to enjoy the game that sidestep its creators' punishing idea of "challenge." Either way, I'm making it to 20 hours by this time tomorrow. Then I'll delete Star Wars Starfighter and never look back.
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