After I beat the game on normal mode, I needed a new task to occupy my time. Figuring that it couldn't hurt to aim high, I decided I would try and get a AAA rating on every mission (there's an achievement for it). Of course, just because I was ambitious didn't mean I'd lost all sense. I set the difficulty to easy and unlocked the special costume that gave you infinite blood (magic points, basically). I wanted a goal, but I didn't want a goal that would task me greatly.
And even with all my advantages, getting those AAA ratings wasn't trivial. I mean, sometimes it was, but other times the criteria for how to get a maximum rating relied on things that couldn't be waved away with nigh-invincibility. Infinite healing magic doesn't do you any good if the goal for the mission is to take no damage whatsoever.
I didn't get it all done. There were a few levels where I just couldn't push it over the edge from A to AAA. Ordinarily, it would bother me to leave things unfinished like this, but in the case of Killer is Dead, I'm willing to make an exception, because the reward for getting AAA on a level, more often than not, was underwear.
For the ladies. By getting the highest score possible in your regular ultraviolent shenanigans, you could unlock sexy lingerie for the sexy ladies in the ridiculous minigame that is to sexuality what Jar Jar Binks is to the Star Wars series.
I'll confess to a certain morbid curiosity, but I resisted the temptation. The special secret underwear remained in the shop, unworn by the objects of Mondo's affections.
Look, I'm not a prude. I think that there could very well one day be a good sex video game. It's not something that seems outside the realm of possibility. People have a fantasy about being heroic warriors, so they play action games. I have a fantasy about space travel and the construction of architecture and civic infrastructure on hostile alien worlds, so I play Starbound. People have fantasies about sex, and there's no better medium for bringing fantasies to life.
The problem is that the sort of sex fantasies that make it into games are mostly terrible. The thing about sharing a sex fantasy is that it is, in itself, a sexual act. When I look at Natasha, or Betty, or Koharu through my x-ray specs and see them in the sexy underwear I bought them, I am not sexually engaged with the characters. I'm not even indulging a private fantasy. I am actually in a sexually charged conversation with the designers.
They are the ones trying to turn me on, to arouse my sexual interest. But they never seem to realize that. They'll present these images that are undeniably sexual, but they never dare to have them reveal any of the writer's own vulnerabilities or aspirations. If you met someone in real life who was as "sexy" as Scarlet the Blood-Drawing Nurse, you'd think her family was being held hostage by the mafia on the condition that she give you a boner. It's the complete opposite of what makes good sex so life-affirming.
In my experience, there have been only two games to actually get it anything close to correct - Saints Row IV and Fable 2. In SRIV, sex between the boss and any random member of their crew is the punchline to a joke (or, in a couple of cases, rooted in the resolution of a three-game-long plotline) and thus the focus is always in making a scene that is entertaining to watch. In fact, none of the "romances" (with the possible exception of CID) is especially sexy, which ironically is what makes them truest to what real sex is actually about.
And Fable 2 is just gross. In all likelihood, it is two unattractive people, making weird and disgusting noises in the dark, and you're probably only doing it because your partner has been complaining that it's been too long since the last time. Listening to a Fable 2 sex scene is deeply uncomfortable, even when you're all alone, and thus it is never not hilarious.
I didn't really mean to go off on such a tangent, though. Despite all the underwear, Killer is Dead is not a game about sex. I mean, you've got to beat the sex minigame at least three times to unlock all the optional weapons, but aside from that, it's a small part of the game. The bulk of Killer is Dead is a middling action game with fairly shallow mechanics and an impenetrable plot. It's a fine enough distraction for a lazy weekend, but it's never going to be anyone's favorite game.
I got it for free and I don't feel like I was cheated. There was enough game there to fill my time, which is more than I can say for certain other titles. I just wish that in the end it had more action, a more comprehensible plot, and less stuff that makes me embarrassed to be associated with heterosexuality.
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