Whence comes the warrior spirit? The will and the focus to overcome another human being, to best them in the arena of honorable combat? The urge not just for excellence, but triumph?
Because wherever it comes from, I don't have it. I like to win. I'd even say that I hate to lose, but these feelings don't drive me to greater and greater heights of mastery, so much as they make me cranky and irritable. The games I like are co-op games, especially the ones where you build or trade to make something bigger than anyone can accomplish alone.
I don't hate Blade Symphony, though. I just feel like when I'm fighting these diamond- and master-ranked fighters, that I'm wasting their time by losing over and over again. I wish they could at least get points by defeating me. Then I could contribute something to the experience. As it is, I'm soliciting charity. "Please teach me, oh great masters. I have nothing to offer and will present no challenge, but I'm eager to learn."
As much as I'm willing to be bull-headed and try and overcome a challenge, the thought that there are people on the other side of the computer screen changes my calculations. The thing that really troubles me, though, is that I can't say for sure whether my worry is based on insecurity or empathy. I think that it must not be very fun to play against me, but I am well aware that I loom larger in my own story than I do in some random stranger's. Perhaps it is arrogance to imagine that my fights are even significant enough to cause others discomfort.
I've still got eight hours to go. Ever since I fell back to Oak league, my rank hasn't budged. I'm losing 9 games out of 10. I realize now that getting up to rank 20,000 was a fluke. The question is, what is the best use of my remaining time? Do I stick with competitive play, and hope to learn something, or do I just knock around in training mode, slapping some bots around?
What would an honorable warrior do?
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