Success! . . . ?

Here we are. Nearly four years after I started this blog and I've finally reached my goal. Every game in my Steam library has been played. Most for at least 20 hours, a few for less, but still beaten. This was what I wanted. It is a legitimate achievement.

My first reaction was tears.

I haven't really figured that out yet. Obviously, a part of me is sad. I really enjoyed doing this blog. It gave my life structure and purpose, and even when I was playing "bad" games, the context of why and how I was playing them made me feel empowered. I'm going to miss it.

On the other hand, the blog could sometimes be a burden. I still haven't seen the two most recent seasons of Game of Thrones because I'm always at my computer, either playing a game or pointedly avoiding playing a game and I care enough about the show that I didn't want to be distracted while watching it. I've also been known to neglect my housekeeping and exercise regimen when I've been particularly absorbed by the blog. And, of course, it ate up a lot of my discretionary time that would have been devoted to other hobbies, reading, or writing.

That's all over now. And I can't deny that it's something of a relief. I am now free to do anything I want! But what is it, exactly, that I want?

There's something a wee bit scary there. Somewhere along the line, I lost the habit of just living my life according to the spontaneous impulses of my heart. I've grown used to having this driving obsession that informs all my other actions. Even when I took a break from the blog to play Mass Effect: Andromeda or read my collection of Exalted books, I was always aware of the fact that I was taking a break. Activities that I used to think of as ordinary diversions came to be defined in the negative space of my goal.

Now that it's done, I feel untethered. Part of me is casting around for a new goal to replace the old - maybe I'll read through my whole rpg collection, or perhaps I'll tackle number theory or the western literary canon. It takes me a moment to calm myself and remember that it would do me good to live without a major commitment for awhile.

I do worry that I won't be able to get back to my baseline. That I am no longer capable of, say, just picking up a video game that I want to play and then playing it for as long as I want to play it and then stopping when I'm done and not writing a thousand word essay on why stacking pills in Dr Mario is an absurdist metaphor for the existential struggle of the human condition as filtered through capitalism's near-complete capture of the US medical system.

But I expect that will pass. There was a point, in the not-too-distant past, where I was playing 40 hours a week worth of Starbound while also making progress towards the blog, so I'm guessing that it will just take me one good survival crafting game or space 4X before I rediscover the joys of getting completely lost in a game.

It would be a mistake, though, to think that this is primarily a melancholy occasion. The sadness and doubt were merely my first reaction. It took me awhile to really come to grips with what's happened.

I did it!

I no longer have a Steam backlog. How many people can say that? Four years ago I set myself an impossible-seeming goal and I stuck it through. I can't describe how liberating it is to know this about myself. I am capable of committing to a long-term project with no obvious reward and frequent stretches of boredom and frustration and seeing it through to the end. I'm more proud of this than I am of graduating college.

That's not even an exaggeration, though I'm trying not to think too hard about the fact that "maintained a rigorous video-game playing schedule for four years" isn't exactly something I can put on a resume.

Anyway, I've got a little more than two weeks until the formal end of the blog, so I'm going to tempt fate and immediately undo this accomplishment by buying a new game and then playing it, just like the others. I expect I'll probably have the time to do it at least once more after that, but I'm not making any definite plans just yet. I want to savor the sensation of only buying games that I immediately intend to play for as long as possible.